Hi Aden ask@askaden.com
I first visited your site because of its articles on dating people with BPD.
I think your advice is very practical for those already in some sort of advantageous dating position, but I am also concerned about the way you represent those with BPD. They seem rather demonized on the site. I do not think it's their fault that these people are this way. It is likely that they have been shaped by incredible hardships that people with stable lives cannot relate to without stepping out of their own comfort zone. This only not really any party's fault, and these people are not really always the plague. I simply feel you are using this site as a platform to try to cope with your own experiences with BPD, and by this virtue I will hesitantly wonder if you could be giving imbalanced advice.
Likely, if you are advising your readers to leave people with BPD, you are not the first person to think this. Likely, those with BPD struggle with their own tendencies, and partners leaving them doesn't help. So my question is this- what is your dating advice and condolences for those with BPD?? While BPD treatment is obvious, not everyone has the resources or time for treatment, and it has been posted on your site that BPD treatment is very tedious, time consuming, and difficult. Everybody wants to be loved and understood. Not everybody is a model, has resources, or is lucky enough to have a psychologically stable life. Have any tips for daters with BPD? I would appreciate if the advice was divided into two categories; above average in looks and average in looks.
Thanks!
-G
Thanks for your email G. The reason why I am so one sided is I have a tough time separating physical abuse with mental abuse. If a man or woman was in any relationship where they were being hit day after day, I (and probably you) would tell them to RUN! The thing I find funny is that if someone is being abused mentally (especially if it’s a man) so many people focus on the abuser “getting treatment” an the abused is guilted into saying in the abusive relationship. I’m sorry, but there a TON of BPD sites out there that talk about treatment, I am not concerned with treating BPD’s. I my advice saves one person from enduring one more day of mental or physical abuse, I’m happy. BPD is so funny to me, if your kid was being sexually abused by an uncle, would encourage your child to spend time with their uncle and help him “work through” being a pedophile?
I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just am on the side of the victims of abuse, not the perpetrators.
-A.
1 comments:
What outsiders fail to realize is that "victims" of BPD are just that... victims. Someone who has BPD shouldn't be excused for being abusive. They shouldn't be excused for not recognizing that they have serious problems that need intervention.
I am not angry at my ex-wife for having (suspected) BPD. I am angry that she (nor her enablers) will accept that her behavior is outrageous, a tremendous problem, and has the likely possibility of impacting our children in horrific ways.
While the sympathy that I truly have may be lost in my presentation of my experiences endured over more than a decade, sharing them as I do doesn't make me a "bad person." My recollections are truthful, honest, and real... and if that makes people look unfavorably towards me, or Aden, or anyone else who does so... that's on them.
My personal mission is to protect my family from the ravages of a suspected BPD and to help as many people as I possibly can do the same, whether their spouse has BPD, NPD, or is just a "plain ole" high-conflict personality.
We can't save the borderline. We can help those who have been so adversely affected by their condition.
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